Pain...

I don't remember having so much pain in my life... And I am facing it now. We feel pain when we are inflicted with injury, we felt that we lost something in our lives or we feel empty. Right now, I felt that I have lost something in my life. So often, we race the rat race and rushing here and there, running up and down, without ever knowing where we are headed to.

With the latest lost in my life, I felt that a lot of things does not have the same meaning any more. For a few days now, I felt that I have lost the energy and the will to wake up, and whatever I do, the same memory of  the lost' haunts me. Even when I am doing my favorite things or watching my favorite series. Perhaps time is my best friend to help me heal, to help me dilute the pain that is inside.

Kind of thinking back, school teaches us a lot of things, but there are lots more that didn't come with the school system. I remember one was financial literacy, the other I supposed is how to manage loss or emotion. We have to really loss something to learn this though. When something inevitable coming my way, the memory of Aidan suddenly pops into my mind again, and it is fresh again of what has happened. Life at this point seems a culmination of loss, sorrow and pain. It will probably need to take a long time again for me to to somewhere where pain is less.

I can only thing of moving forward, for my family. My mind is exhausted, body seems weary and the thought that I cannot sustain another day seems very real. Prayers, that God somehow grant me strength to stay on and stay the course, seems to be able to make me feel relieve. As I sip the last of my chamomile tea, I hope that too will calm me, but the restlessness and the feeling that 'something is not right' is felt throughout the day. And when I start to feel better, my mind reminds me that all is not right. All indeed is not right, and pray that I can really struggle through this time with some miraculous help.

17th March 18- Emotional Roller Coaster (Part 1)

Our family knew what was coming, but didn't know in what form and how it would come. Eventually it starts to happen, he complains about dizziness and loss of appetite. He was saying that it is some normal stuff, perhaps wrong food, side effect or simply some viral attack. Seen a GP, had pressure checked, sugar level check, physical examination done, nothing. GP starts us off with some medicine to take care of nausea and vomit.

He took it but it wasn't useful at all. The dizziness got worse, the appetite didn't return and a bit of slur speech got him. It didn't look too normal now. After discussing with a couple of family member who's from the medical profession, we decided to bring him to the Emergency.

At the Emergency, things escalated quickly, from blood test and x-ray, and finally decision to had a CT scan. It all happen within the day itself and it was found that some stuff went to the head/brain. There's no way to decide of what is the next course of action and the head Dr wanted to have a better scan on the head before we do anything else. Unfortunately it does not open over the weekend, so the fastest arrangement for the scan is on Monday. Perhaps with the results on Monday, we will know what the prognosis is and what would be the next course of treatment.

It all happened so fast. My memory of him is a strong, hardworking and objective person. He is to me, perhaps the move efficient and effective person, having very clear objective what to do and he'll have it all plan out much earlier. He doesn't give me a hug but he is a very assuring father that deep down you know he cares deeply for whatever that's happening around me.

I remember at every juncture of major events in my life, he is there to listen. And he doesn't have all the solutions, but a day or two later, he'll always come back with some ideas and what he thinks he can help me with. He's always there for me, though his work sometimes takes him away from me for many months, at times near to a year.

My prayer is to make this weekend fast, God preserve him and let him be well. Let Monday come so that Dr can continue the diagnosis and treatment. We knew about his decision, we knew about the eventuality but to be this fast is mind boggling. Frankly I am unsure how I am going to take this, this really doesn't look real. I want to go to bed and wake up from this nightmare, I am thinking if I convince myself enough this is a dream, perhaps it would be, bringing me back to another timeline in another dimension where perhaps, the outcome would have been somewhat different. Multiverse could be something real, that I can somehow switch over, to a more desirable reality.




~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Hanz on his 2nd anniversary

Little Hanz is my son. He currently loves to play with a set of Disney characters that is about 8cm tall. He likes all the character. He would hold on to them and arrange it on the table while also arranging his train set as well. This must have been attributed to the TV programs that he was exposed to. He is basically impressed with Bob the Train and also Disney character finger family.

He learns about his finger through the finger family song, and he would want to know about all the diverse range of animals to character that people ingeniously create and put on youtube. Also he loves to show his finger while trying to sing along with some of the finger family song. He can't sing yet, but he can string a few words together, but now able to do a full song just yet.

While on car ride, he loves to look at trucks and count them. He would make remarks like, daddy lorry, mommy lorry down to baby lorry, depending on the size of course. And if he doesn't see them, he'll start to scream. Talking about screaming, he likes things his way, and if he doesn't get his way, he screams, especially to his elder brother. I am figuring out how to resolve this, I mean, try to make him understand not to shout. Now, I can just tell him not to do it. Hopefully as he grow up, he doesn't continue this shouting and screaming stunt.

My prayer for this little boy is of course the same with my elder boy, to grow up strong and healthy. Have a great life, with great purpose. Life is after all 80 years or about 30 thousand days ONLY. Make it great with God's guidance.

He loves a hug from daddy, of course and loves to ask me to take him out for a walk. He would say in Chinese, when he is scared, "Not scared, not scared, daddy is here to protect". That feels so warm and nice. My little boy, happy 2nd anniversary and many more to come, live it with purpose.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Being mindful of what is happening, but not getting affected

Honestly, the one thing I don't like being adult is reading news about world events, the conflicts, the unnecessary blood shed, accidents, terrorism and the impact of all those things on human life (possibly far away from us). Sometimes we read of scenarios where major accident or 'Act of God' disaster everywhere. It is simply so depressing.

And amid all this, my prayer goes to those affected and their family members. There is only so much of this news I can take daily. And I have to put on a positive spin for my family and my kid. It is definitely not easy. But we have to, with all the uncertain, we have God which is certain (at least for me) and with him as the foundation, we just have to provide the love and the truth to people around us. Let's not let the mood of things around us affect us, let the strength of God flow through us.

I look forward to the next meeting with friends, the next moment I have playing with my kids, the next football match (go Manchester United) and the next basketball game I have with my friend (while I still can jump, a little)...

Give me some good news, news editors.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Little chat with Ethan

Early in the morning somewhere this week, while I was about to go to work....

Me: Daddy wants to go to work already
Ethan: Don't go, don't go
Me: Daddy don't go to work no money to buy milk for you
Ethan: (silent with stone look)
Me: Daddy don't go to work no money to buy toys and raisins for you (his favourite)
Ethan: Daddy go work la..
Me: "

Obviously raisins and toys are more important to him than milk. I hope he has a great time growing up :)



~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Ethan (2 years 2 months)

What a 2 years old toddler is capable of? He made sure that he tires me enough so that I am not able to try to stay up and watch football at night, and he made sure that I am so tired I couldn't even touch my PC and do some work at home.

By now, he has developed a strong set of teeth, always wanting to munch on something, be it raisin, bread, fruits and of course like every other toddler, he loves sweet stuff, so I have to be very careful what I feed him. We enjoy going to the park as well, walking around, looking around and I notice he loves to observe what other kids are doing, and he later goes and try it out on his own. Not that it is a bad thing, but sometimes it gets real tough trying to tell him not to do what other kids does, especially they are doing, well, dangerous or naughty stuff.

Enjoying himself in the shopping mall

At this stage, he developed a habit of asking questions. He really applied the "5 why" better than the professionals does at work. You know what is 5 why? Well you ask why, you get an answer, and you ask why again based on the answer, and you continue doing that for 5 times to go get to the root cause of issues or problems. So, here he goes asking why for everything under the sun, and I sometimes struggle to give him a simplistic yet logical and truthful answer for him to think about further. I somehow realize from the look of his face, that he is able to think and comprehend a lot more than I can imagine, so I wouldn't want to tell him a lie just to get off my back.

Whatever and however tired, however frustrated, I am going to try to enjoy myself watching him grow up. It is not easy at all but, what is easy in this life that is worth anything to us? Something that worth a lot to us usually requires an equal amount of effort as well. Happy Father's Day to me and all the father out there with toddlers. Thank you Dad.

Full of Expression...

Cheeky smile

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Father's Day

My dad is a man with few words. Not that he does not say anything, but I sometimes find it hard to talk to him. The time that I have talked to him, he usually listen quietly, with a frown and later on, he will always come back to me with an answer, guide or already solved that issue for me. Even though he may be busy, he wouldn't dismiss my problem as something trivial and send me off to go find a solution for myself. He'll come back, maybe not immediately, but always ready to offer advice as well as solution and even help me solve the problem itself. That's the way he shows love to me and my siblings.

I remembered there was an occasion that I got stuck in a road accident situation. I was young then, and I panicked. I called him, and he came like 5-10 minutes later, went on and talked to the folks involved and settled the situation immediately. Well, I got a lecture after that, but it feels great to have dad to settle the issues and I still have the feeling up till today that he is capable of handling any situation in the world.

With dad, sometimes, I take things for granted, and I know that I should not. Learning now, really to be more thoughtful wherever possible. As I take care of my son now, I realize how much that dad has sacrificed for us and given his very best for the family. Well he took care of the three of us and I am only taking care of one right now, and already I am exhausted :p And in my dad's case, he has three children, all with our own unique set of needs and wants. He groomed us well, at least in terms of moral value as well as good values in life.

I get grilling all the way from when I was a kid to now an adult, but I know that he has walked the path and just wanted to make sure that we don't fall into the same set of problem all over again. I sometimes don't take it seriously and argue back, but, where I stand right now, I know that all those advice given were for my own good.

Dad gives many small and little advice throughout the years. I think all this forms the my personal value as well as principle in life. I remember a postcard which he sends to me when he was flying off to US to work. It was but a few words and it goes something like this "He who works hard has everything". At that time I was just in early secondary education and that somehow gave me a lot of encouragement as well as enthusiasm at that point of time. I still remember it now and cherish that little but important message he has for me.

My dad is a work-horse. He believes in good work, he believes that we must work our way to success and not by taking short-cuts. He shares with me ideas that he hears from reading as well as from friends that he heard of. Like all dad, he wants the best for me.

Thanks dad for preparing us for everything, and we love you for a great dad that you are.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Ethan - Walking Freely

Ethan grows by the day and everyday, he seems to give me and my wife a surprise. Just until 3 days ago, he was walking but was terribly unstable. He could fall front, which he could soften by slamming his hand on the floor first, and then he could also tilt and fall sideways, which he could fall on his buttock first (like sitting down), and sometimes after sitting down still not stable and knock his head on the floor. Not too hard, but I do feel his pain...

Now, just barely 3 days later, he is walking around so relaxed, as if he has been walking all this time and steady at that. Boy, is he growing up quickly. I better spend more time with him and keep on snapping away with my camera. I think I would also need a new hard disk to store those photos. One Terra-byte? Two? hmmm...

And my wife and I caught on to a new interesting book about teaching baby how to read. We are all set for the little project and already bought the stationary. Glenn Doman, I recommend his books to you too.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Ethan - 1 year old

Ethan just had his 1 year old birthday party earlier this month. He is a happy boy, giving a wide big smile whenever he is happy and cheeky. Most important of all, he gives me a wide big smile every time I come back from work.

He makes a lot of noise when we put him down in the play pant. He will shout and cry like we have bullied him. Well he definitely knows the tips and tricks to get out of the play pant. When he is not in the play pant, he'll try to walk around (totally unstable) and he will circle around the table and throw about toys and whatever he could grab on. Occasionally, he will grab hold of any two things in his hand and not let go, even when he is climbing and crawling.

He is growing up and definitely growing smarter. He is a handful but I have a very merry great time spending time with him. This Easter weekend reminds me again how important he is in my life and the life of my family.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.