Pain...

I don't remember having so much pain in my life... And I am facing it now. We feel pain when we are inflicted with injury, we felt that we lost something in our lives or we feel empty. Right now, I felt that I have lost something in my life. So often, we race the rat race and rushing here and there, running up and down, without ever knowing where we are headed to.

With the latest lost in my life, I felt that a lot of things does not have the same meaning any more. For a few days now, I felt that I have lost the energy and the will to wake up, and whatever I do, the same memory of  the lost' haunts me. Even when I am doing my favorite things or watching my favorite series. Perhaps time is my best friend to help me heal, to help me dilute the pain that is inside.

Kind of thinking back, school teaches us a lot of things, but there are lots more that didn't come with the school system. I remember one was financial literacy, the other I supposed is how to manage loss or emotion. We have to really loss something to learn this though. When something inevitable coming my way, the memory of Aidan suddenly pops into my mind again, and it is fresh again of what has happened. Life at this point seems a culmination of loss, sorrow and pain. It will probably need to take a long time again for me to to somewhere where pain is less.

I can only thing of moving forward, for my family. My mind is exhausted, body seems weary and the thought that I cannot sustain another day seems very real. Prayers, that God somehow grant me strength to stay on and stay the course, seems to be able to make me feel relieve. As I sip the last of my chamomile tea, I hope that too will calm me, but the restlessness and the feeling that 'something is not right' is felt throughout the day. And when I start to feel better, my mind reminds me that all is not right. All indeed is not right, and pray that I can really struggle through this time with some miraculous help.

17th March 18- Emotional Roller Coaster (Part 1)

Our family knew what was coming, but didn't know in what form and how it would come. Eventually it starts to happen, he complains about dizziness and loss of appetite. He was saying that it is some normal stuff, perhaps wrong food, side effect or simply some viral attack. Seen a GP, had pressure checked, sugar level check, physical examination done, nothing. GP starts us off with some medicine to take care of nausea and vomit.

He took it but it wasn't useful at all. The dizziness got worse, the appetite didn't return and a bit of slur speech got him. It didn't look too normal now. After discussing with a couple of family member who's from the medical profession, we decided to bring him to the Emergency.

At the Emergency, things escalated quickly, from blood test and x-ray, and finally decision to had a CT scan. It all happen within the day itself and it was found that some stuff went to the head/brain. There's no way to decide of what is the next course of action and the head Dr wanted to have a better scan on the head before we do anything else. Unfortunately it does not open over the weekend, so the fastest arrangement for the scan is on Monday. Perhaps with the results on Monday, we will know what the prognosis is and what would be the next course of treatment.

It all happened so fast. My memory of him is a strong, hardworking and objective person. He is to me, perhaps the move efficient and effective person, having very clear objective what to do and he'll have it all plan out much earlier. He doesn't give me a hug but he is a very assuring father that deep down you know he cares deeply for whatever that's happening around me.

I remember at every juncture of major events in my life, he is there to listen. And he doesn't have all the solutions, but a day or two later, he'll always come back with some ideas and what he thinks he can help me with. He's always there for me, though his work sometimes takes him away from me for many months, at times near to a year.

My prayer is to make this weekend fast, God preserve him and let him be well. Let Monday come so that Dr can continue the diagnosis and treatment. We knew about his decision, we knew about the eventuality but to be this fast is mind boggling. Frankly I am unsure how I am going to take this, this really doesn't look real. I want to go to bed and wake up from this nightmare, I am thinking if I convince myself enough this is a dream, perhaps it would be, bringing me back to another timeline in another dimension where perhaps, the outcome would have been somewhat different. Multiverse could be something real, that I can somehow switch over, to a more desirable reality.




~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Hanz on his 2nd anniversary

Little Hanz is my son. He currently loves to play with a set of Disney characters that is about 8cm tall. He likes all the character. He would hold on to them and arrange it on the table while also arranging his train set as well. This must have been attributed to the TV programs that he was exposed to. He is basically impressed with Bob the Train and also Disney character finger family.

He learns about his finger through the finger family song, and he would want to know about all the diverse range of animals to character that people ingeniously create and put on youtube. Also he loves to show his finger while trying to sing along with some of the finger family song. He can't sing yet, but he can string a few words together, but now able to do a full song just yet.

While on car ride, he loves to look at trucks and count them. He would make remarks like, daddy lorry, mommy lorry down to baby lorry, depending on the size of course. And if he doesn't see them, he'll start to scream. Talking about screaming, he likes things his way, and if he doesn't get his way, he screams, especially to his elder brother. I am figuring out how to resolve this, I mean, try to make him understand not to shout. Now, I can just tell him not to do it. Hopefully as he grow up, he doesn't continue this shouting and screaming stunt.

My prayer for this little boy is of course the same with my elder boy, to grow up strong and healthy. Have a great life, with great purpose. Life is after all 80 years or about 30 thousand days ONLY. Make it great with God's guidance.

He loves a hug from daddy, of course and loves to ask me to take him out for a walk. He would say in Chinese, when he is scared, "Not scared, not scared, daddy is here to protect". That feels so warm and nice. My little boy, happy 2nd anniversary and many more to come, live it with purpose.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Message to myself

Dear Me,

I say good morning, to God's beautiful world with a smile

I have quiet time thankfully for the new day

I am in the present, engaging and align to my goals

I am passionate in every role God has given me

I understand my perspective and season in my life

I listen intently and care about others

I know, to influence is to take time and love

I expect problem, that's why God sent me here

I expect hardship, just as Jesus held the cross

I learn every day from good and bad experience

I wrap up in evening, summarizing my learning

I thank God, take stock and plan the next day

I spend loving moments with my family

and as I do all this

God bless me and shower me with his faithful love

I learn to love others because God love me many times more.

Love,

I

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Your Staff at Work

From worklife.org

The Lord said to Moses, “What is that in your hand?” He said, “A staff.” And he said, “Throw it on the ground.” So he threw it on the ground, and it became a serpent, and Moses ran from it. But the Lord said to Moses, “Put out your hand and catch it by the tail” – so he put out his hand and caught it, and it became a staff in his hand.  (Exodus 4: 2-4)

This extraordinary story is an example of how Our Lord will use anything to turn our attention towards Him. God wanted Moses to get completely in line with His plans for the people of Israel. That required Moses to:

• Understand once and for all that God calls the shots;
• Put his role and gifting into God’s hands for God to use;
• Use his role and gifting with confidence because they belonged to God.

Moses’ staff was standard equipment for a shepherd, which was his work before God gave him a new assignment. The action of throwing it on the ground was obedience. Running from the unexpected and unwelcome snake was plain common sense. But picking up the horrible creature? – That was obedience and courage, followed surely by huge relief as it became the familiar staff again.

Over time, and with experiences like this one, God trained Moses to take authority in God’s name. As Moses learned through practice and obedience, he became the man God wanted him to become. The staff-serpent would be used several times to work vast miracles as God broke the power of Egyptian rule over Israel.

In our work situations, the staff can symbolize the roles and gifts we have. Throwing the staff down symbolizes our surrender of those roles and gifts to Christ as part of our daily walk with Him. Picking up the serpent, and its change back to the staff, symbolize the reality that once we give our roles and gifts to Christ, He puts His stamp on them and has freedom to reshape them as He chooses. The staff looked the same afterwards, but it wasn’t the same. From then on, God used it even though Moses carried it.

What is your staff at work? You have one. Where is it along the sequence of staff-serpent-staff? Where is your heart of workplace obedience to Christ along the same sequence?

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

What I learned in 2012

It was supposed to be the end, coupled with a film made out of it, but it wasn't. So life goes on...

2012 has been a difficult year for me personally, as I learn to cope with difficult situation in life. I am not going to say, my situation is more difficult than others, but it was definitely difficult compared to any other years any time.

With the incident, I have decided on the same conclusion that I have came to every year when it comes to year end, that I have to live my life to the fullest and give it my best shot in fulfilling my aspiration. Same conclusion, but I felt that it came with a deeper and stronger conviction this year to ensure that things are done.

I will be mindful also that life is a roller coaster and it goes up and down, situations and emotions. I will not take into granted the moments I have with my family and friends while trying to reach for the stars. I realized that they are there for me during my worst days. And I have to be there for them in their rainy days as well. I will cherish my family and friends, though family members to me, sometimes, felt like they are the ones that helped us most in our life but seem to be the one that is less cherished or taken for granted.

I will challenge the impossible, not with the same motivation of how I used to, but with a renewed feeling of doing something of a greater worth for family/friends and the society. Challenging what seems impossible used to be something that I think I do that to be special or I can boast about it, but that kind of motivation doesn't sustain in the longer run. The only way to have motivation for an uphill tasks, is really to do something that is of great worth to people around me.

And of course, to sustain the drive to seek fervently for God. I will continue to learn to be a servant and to follow my shepherd. Life is after all temporary here for a mere 80 years (plus/minus), what is more important is seeking him who made us and ask for his protection upon my household.


~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Purpose of my Life

It is the point in time every year that I take a step back and see what is happening in my life. Every year I make a little bit of adjustment here and there, like less of sinful food, more of exercise, strategy to reduce my body fats, strategy to contact some long lost friends and etc. This year though, I take a more profound approach by asking the question, what is the purpose of my life here? Well it has been 2 weeks since I asked that question and really it is not one that I readily have any answers to, even though I have 2 weeks to think about it.

I do know that everyone has a different purpose. Not everyone look at it objectively, and build a plan to achieve it, most people drift by it or get into the thick of action without giving too much of a thought about it. When they do give a thought about it, it is too complex, takes too much time, so, revert to something easier or forget about it.

So after 2 weeks, here is what I have, the most important thing for me is to trust and walk with Jesus and to build that relationship, next is to be the best that I can be with all the given talents and physical health, to give my best to my family and friends and to do my best in every initiative that I embark on.

I suppose time management, wealth, happiness need not be mentioned here because if I am able to do the above and prioritize accordingly, the rest will be added on into my life. Am I missing anything? Well, my friends, do say something if you have anything constructive :p

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Annoying

I can't help it but sometimes find myself annoyed when someone come up and say, hey, we are keeping tab, looking into, planning to do some censorship on the Internet. Why so concern about something that you cannot fully control, and then have some half measure of censoring selectively. All this while, the MSC bill guaranteed that no censorship of any kind seems to take the back seat now.

Well anyway, I am not against the view of improvement, but I am against the view that something that is more important that need to be done that was not taken into consideration. Take for example, green house effect. Did you just take a look at the video 'Inconvenience Truth' with Al Gore narrating and presenting almost the entire documentary. Well that is how bad the environment have been and if they want to do something 'big' like censoring and keeping tab on the Internet, why not
1. Have everyone in Malaysia (or at least college student), to watch Inconvenience Truth, understand it and take an exam. Easier than censoring Internet but much much more important.
2. Invite Al Gore to Malaysia to speak to our leaders and business leaders - repeatedly if it is necessary. Easier than censoring Internet but much much much more important.
3. Impose an even tough environmental control against depleting our natural rain forest and carbon emission by car, factories and machinery. Have regular checks and audits to ensure and enforce of such implementation. Easier than censoring Internet but much much much much more important.

I am not sure, but this is our only earth and we have to take care of it. God has given us only this earth to dwelve in and if we do not take responsibility, than who else? If earth is gone, everyone will be as well. Censor Internet, give me a break...

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Thank you 2009, Welcome 2010

My believe is that every year we have to look back and see what progress we have made, do a minor tweak or adjustment and see where we are headed to next. In all reality, 2009 has not been an easy year, as do most years anyway. It will be a waste not to look back and take away learning points. The reality is that the world seems to have gone on a twisted economic cycle. Just to recap some of it the financial meltdown in US, the laying off of workforce all over the world, cutting back of spending from consumer to corporate, the almost always worsening weather and its getting really hot here, political disappointment (the usual picking and biting of each other but as a nation, no real progress), H1N1 another name for another strain of something as common as flu (but it has name because it kills us easily) and inflation on daily items.

So it does look crappy 2009, isn't it? well there was a feel scare but we all survived. And well, for all the stuff mentioned above, it is really beyond my control anyway. What I could do was what I can influence both from my personal action and personal thinking. In spite of all above, it was quite a fruitful year to complement a sad list above :) It is a year that I achieve my PMP, got an award in Software Testing for the organization I service, made a few friends, felt closer to God (yes, we pray more during the tough times), attended Wealth Mastery and preparation for fatherhood. Not that bad at all, I think.

So, come 2010, first of all is making real progress in planning and execution, as well as getting excited and fill my enthusiasm for life itself. I have to be more detailed now, and more precise in execution as this is one of the area I feel lacking the concentration. You know, we can be so distracted sometimes over things we have to do. I am really thinking of a year plan and then breaking them into quarterly plans so that the tracking is much better. From past experience, yearly plans are seldom looked at. Though with quarterly targets, I must live everyday by itself that is, everyday I must make progress and live it to the fullest, in passion, enthusiasm, love and joyfulness. We know we have today, but we do not know whether we really have tomorrow. And all of the daily activity jumbled up really packs it up and well hopefully still giving myself 7 or at least 6 hours of good sleep, plenty of water and pack in a couple of hours of good exercise and sun light every week.

A lot of cutbacks as well for 2010, I must reduce wastage time. Plenty of it, I suppose I should start with less TV, less games (yes, I still do games), less unhealthy food, less negativism, less pessimism and definitely less anger. I find that we live in a world full of pressure and pain. As yet technology has provided us with ample amount of convenience, I do find that with so much convenience, sometimes we do not appreciate life enough as it is. One thing I remembered that Keith Cunningham taught me, is that we have to set aside time to THINK. Have you really sit down and think today? Have we sit down and appreciate each and every present that God has give me and thank God and thank the people around me? Nope, have not done much of that. Come 2010, I definitely will.

One theme I want to make 2010 for me personally, is that 'To make this world a better place, with compelling future and exciting tomorrows for people around me, more so my family, so that the energy and enthusiasm around me will bring me to greater heights with God and understanding him better. To utilize my time so fully that I translate all my plans into outcomes that I wanted through perfect execution, as well as being generous with time for family and friends.

Yes Yes Yes, I can't wait for 2010!!

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Global Catastrophy

I have been living in Malaysia all my life. Though I have traveled here and there, most of the time, I have spent it here. I can't help but to notice a few things from where I live here.

- It is getting hotter and hotter all the time. I can either get dehydrated immediately when I am in the open air. It feels that the sun is burning directly into my skin as well. Can't sleep with my air-con ON. I don't think it is about me getting older, but I believe, it is really getting hotter and hotter, day by day.

- There are times when Malaysia entirely is in 'haze' due to forest burning in our neighboring country, Indonesia. The haze affects us by difficulty of breathing, blurred vision and asthma patience have it the worst. The cause of forest burning is of course open burning, which further complicate our environment.

- Sudden rain, and certainly qualify for the word thunderstorm. It was all hot and dry for the first half of the morning and suddenly the 2nd half of the day, it suddenly rained so heavily that trees start to fall the other day. But this are just not isolated incidents, I have seen this happened many times, at times off guard (forgot to carry my umbrella).

And in other countries, you can see the following news

- Tsunami (happen because of earthquake), but I suspect it is part of the effect of Global Warming. I am just guessing, and I am no scientist.

- Heavy snow fall in UK (not the usual but extreme type, happened recently). Climatic changes, attributed to global warming as well.

- Australia, bush fire due to extreme heat, another global warming effect. People actually die of dehydration in Australia and the county recorded the highest temperature somewhere in this year.

- Melting of ice caps. No one really bothered but I have read this many times over in newspaper and watched in TV documentary

Some what can we sum up to all this news and many others which I couldn't recall right now. Is our industrialization and free market capitalism promoting global warming? And how does company re-acts to it? There was call for Green IT during the WCIT forum that I went last year. It may work and it may not, as some claims that at this stage, it is already too late to reverse anything that we have done over the many years to our delicately balanced nature.

Well some people may not know what is the effect of global warming. What I understand, the melting of ice caps due to increasing temperature will cause a rise in water level, which significantly reduce land area. Not only that, the rise in temperature will kill a lot of species.

- Killing of plankton as food for fishes will cause a chain re-action in reducing the number and diversity of fish. This will reduce protein source for us, which is important component for human growth.

- Plantations will not produce enough food, due to the extreme weather and temperature. Not enough food will be a major problem for countries all over the world. Already now, people are dying of starvation in desert rich countries such as Africa. The rice of temperature will eventually turn almost all major land into desert.

- Not enough fresh water for consumption. Yes, with the growing population in the world, the water is decreasing with global warming. You can imagine when our kids grow up, their problem is that they do not have enough water to drink.

Well, what do you think? I don't know about you, but I myself should use less plastic, drive less and car pool more, support Green IT, support environmental groups, do less myself in contributing pollution, use less water, share this with others etc. But will what I do really help to reduce Global Warming. I don't know, but at least, I don't want to contribute further to global warming as much as I could. God knows, but I think I better pray about it, hopefully God can give us a hand to fix this Global Warming problem that we, human started.

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.

Of Blogging and Journalism

I have been doing more journal entry lately then blogging. I journal by having quiet time, taking down the learning time with the Word of God and having it written in my journal. It has been a long time since I actually sit down and write, as most of the time, I would have typed everything that is in front of me. As I write, I felt a weird sense of hand actually feeling cramp after about 2 to 3 paragraphs. Anyway it has been a great experience and it is refreshing to the soul. I actually felt I learned more during this quiet time.

Let me then summarize the steps of what I do in order to journal. I get up early in the morning and while it is quiet and still BUT awake, I take up the Word of God and start to read using a daily reading planner. Daily reading planner is to ensure that I do systematic reading everyday and not random or choose only what I would like to read. After reading, I would think and meditate upon the word or sentence that strikes me most. I write out the scripture and then followed by whatever observation that is interesting that I could pick up from the passage. Then I write about application of it in my own live and finally a word of prayer for this learning. It is that simple, and it takes me roughly about 30 minutes depending on my level of consciousness early in the morning.

And after I did that consistently for a while, it doesn't feel that bad anymore. It used to be a hard task that I must get myself to do, but now, I do it everyday without much effort. I do feel aligned first thing in the morning after I do the journal :)

As for blogging, I do remember and it always cross my mind that, yes, I have to blog about this and that etc. However coming in terms of doing it wasn't as simple. As for now, I guess there is just too many topics in my mind right now, probably I would just do a quick summary of it.

1. I just joined Project Management Institute (PMI) and is currently an aspiring student for Project Management Professional (PMP)

Tough nuts, a lot to read and a lot to understand. This will take much of my time off me.

2. Chip (my pet) just ran off a couple of days ago. He left me and Dale at home. So sad :(

I have actually been searching for him high and low, but couldn't find him, this is bad. I still continue to try to find him everyday. I look here and there, I take a walk with the hope of finding him, but I still couldn't. I really hope Dale is OK as he has lost a brother and a playing partner. Now he looks so boring and I do not have time or the time to bond with him :(

3. I have conquered Siem Reap along with Angkor Wat.

This is an entry I want to blog about a lot more, but not now due to time limitation.

4. This is the worst news, I got cough again :(

Hopefully it takes much shorter time to recover. Till then...

~~~ Life is an adventure where we search for the meaning of the outcome.