Pain...

I don't remember having so much pain in my life... And I am facing it now. We feel pain when we are inflicted with injury, we felt that we lost something in our lives or we feel empty. Right now, I felt that I have lost something in my life. So often, we race the rat race and rushing here and there, running up and down, without ever knowing where we are headed to.

With the latest lost in my life, I felt that a lot of things does not have the same meaning any more. For a few days now, I felt that I have lost the energy and the will to wake up, and whatever I do, the same memory of  the lost' haunts me. Even when I am doing my favorite things or watching my favorite series. Perhaps time is my best friend to help me heal, to help me dilute the pain that is inside.

Kind of thinking back, school teaches us a lot of things, but there are lots more that didn't come with the school system. I remember one was financial literacy, the other I supposed is how to manage loss or emotion. We have to really loss something to learn this though. When something inevitable coming my way, the memory of Aidan suddenly pops into my mind again, and it is fresh again of what has happened. Life at this point seems a culmination of loss, sorrow and pain. It will probably need to take a long time again for me to to somewhere where pain is less.

I can only thing of moving forward, for my family. My mind is exhausted, body seems weary and the thought that I cannot sustain another day seems very real. Prayers, that God somehow grant me strength to stay on and stay the course, seems to be able to make me feel relieve. As I sip the last of my chamomile tea, I hope that too will calm me, but the restlessness and the feeling that 'something is not right' is felt throughout the day. And when I start to feel better, my mind reminds me that all is not right. All indeed is not right, and pray that I can really struggle through this time with some miraculous help.